1.  To be filed under "lessons learned over Labor Day weekend": Do not leave a whole watermelon in your kitchen for too long.  I came home from a night away to a small watermelon that I had left on my kitchen counter for 4 days. . .  Four days too long, apparently.  Its shell was cracked, and as it rotted from the inside out it made gurgling noises that called to mind the time I thought the bat in my attic was actually a burglar.  I didn't realize at first that the watermelon was what was making noise, but luckily this time, at least, I figured it out before dialing 911. 

2. As I sit here typing and listening to Tupac's Changes and Dolly Parton's Jolene on repeat, it strikes me that I may be the only person in the world who has ever thought this was a good combination.  (It actually is!)